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Originally uploaded by Complicated Philosophy

not wanting to be anything else and too blind to see that i could be anything else, i said that i was green. green is the colour of certainty. green says that i want to follow God completely and that i’m doing what i can to spread the Word.

but right now i think i’m pretty yellow and i think it’s because i’m overwhelmed by all the stuff in my head, the stuff i’d rather not have to think about like hebrew and grading. and beyond that, more important than that, i don’t want to dedicate time to being consistently green. coz i’m still human so all my green successes are fleeting if i don’t put in the time, the prep, the grunt work…

…like reading the Bible.
…like praying for more than food and travel.

so now what?

sure, i have green moments. most of them are when i’m singing or preparing to sing. and i’d like to believe that that’s more proof that i need to do music most, if not all, the time. but then what about the down time? what happens when there’s no performance for a week? what happens then? will i still pick up a Bible?

it’s the down time that speaks truth, i think. when the music fades and all is stripped away…(sorry, couldn’t help it)…that’s when i know if i’m green or yellow, if i’m hot or lukewarm, if i’m on the right side of the fence or attaching a pillow to barbed wire.

i don’t want to be anything else but i’m awake enough to see the truth and i admit it–i’m far from that perfect mix of yellow and blue. instead, i’m yellow….and that makes me blue…

and what was a serious blog moment has now become a complete revelation of my need for sleep.

till later…


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