i’d rather be tired. and yes, i’ve fully diagnosed my problem but i won’t take the time to detail it here. i’ll just say that this song i’m listening to right now helps me realize my problem even more.
a mi manera…i did it my way
doing things my way has never sounded better than when il divo sings about it. and if i could do things my way right now, i’d pack my book bag with my pencil case (which holds a couple of pens, a couple of pencils–mechanical and regular–a pencil sharpener, an eraser), 2 journals, blank sheets of paper, index cards, my tape recorder, a couple of blank cassettes, my laptop, 2 usb mass storage devices, headphones, my nikon manual camera, my point and shoot, 10 rolls of 400 iso film (a few b&w), my black slimline bible, pocket dictionary, driver’s license, credit card, passport, a nice handful of cash, a few pieces of fancy paper to use as “thank you” cards…i think that might be all.
next i’d put on my uic sweatshirt, leave on my grey sweat pants, grab a fleece, put on my socks and sneakers, grab my umbrella, jump in a car, any car, and start driving. no music. the windows cracked just a little so that i stay awake. i’d drive until i see something i’ve never seen before. i’d stop there and take a nap or explore it through words (depending on the time of day).
i’d keep doing this until i want nothing more than a “regular” routine.
right now nothing’s hazy but nothing’s 100%. can you feel me on that? i’m not sinking in the fear that uncertainty brings but i sort of feel as if i’m floating. i don’t mind it.
that’s why i avoid sleep. but that’s not the full reason. that i won’t detail here.
my younger siblings just graduated from high school. i should be happy. but instead i’m just tired…