Wrote this draft in February 2015. Just came across it. Quite fitting this week. 

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i wanted to be big time, bigger than Michael Jackson, until i realized that an Adventist would never be that big. no stage lights for me. no swarms of fainting fans. no hours of epic choreography.

and these days, a good 30 years after such notions first filled my head, i find that faithfulness is enough.

there’s no guarantee that faithfulness will equal fame. there’s also no guarantee that it won’t but with faithfulness, i’m not the point–God is–and that’s been a hard lesson to learn.

i wake up each morning wanting to do well as a mum, as a wife, as a friend, in my job. my feet argue over which is the best foot to put forward. at least once a year i have a crisis sort of moment (or day) in which i question my effectiveness as a pastor/chaplain/administrator/orwhateveritisthatiam. yes, i wrestle with perfectionism but i’ve finally found a more helpful way for me to process all this. i’ve misplaced my hope. time and again, i mistakenly believe that a certain person or a certain set of events/actions will be the key. all will be well if i pick the right ones.

that’s not how life works. sure, a certain skill set or set of tools will improve things but that’s not where my hope should rest because hope is really big, quite eternal, and people and things only go so far. it’s unfair to them and makes it that much harder to practice faithfulness. why continue to be faithful to something that always seems loose at the seems?

that said, saying i should only put my hope in God sounds, well, weak-ish. why? coz it’s been said. over. and over. and over. it’s trite. yet it’s real. it’s true.