For two nights in a row, I’ve had dreams that reveal my fear, a fear I didn’t even know I had, a fear that I won’t get to see my daughter.

I know. Sounds crazy, right?

Two nights ago, I dreamed that because of how out of it I’d been after delivery, I had no memory of seeing her. I was discharged. She was left in the hospital. I went about the rest of the day quite fine, engaging in a meeting of some sort. The only thing I was concerned with was putting on the support band a friend gave me for after the c-section (a band I have in real life).

The next morning, I was leaving a building (where my mtg had been–had I slept there overnight?) to head to the hospital when my mum came by all aglow. I then heard a big commotion and the words “She’s so beautiful,” as ppl snapped pics of my little girl in her daddy’s arms. My dad was there, too, standing beside him.

I was livid. I immediately knew these pics were making their way to Facebook and I didn’t approve. “I haven’t even seen her!!!” I screamed as I ran up the stairs through the crowd.

Her lips were thin and wide and looked like the lips of a woman I knew as a child.

I woke up upset.

Last night wasn’t as intense but had a similar idea. Justin had the baby and we’d developed an agreement with a trusted friend that if I was at work and Justin couldn’t watch the baby, our friend would come and scoop her up.

So that’s what she did. But I was free so I went home to get the baby only to find our our friend had just picked her up and was well on her way to an appointment on the west side of town.

I called her and THANKFULLY she was absolutely cool with turning the car around and giving my girl to me. We met up somewhere, I picked my girl out of her car seat and held her close while transferring the car seat. (My friend and I conveniently had the same brand so it was an easy transfer from one base to another.)

I didn’t wake up in a tizzy this time but I did have a “what in the world is wrong with me?” reaction. What will tonight bring?