The event in this early stage of an essay took place several years ago. One day I’ll finish the essay.
The heaviness I felt that afternoon is one I may not forget. So much, perhaps even everything, felt impossible. I’m not sure why I decided to go to a craft store. Did I believe I’d find answers in the card stock, the upolstery fabric or a decorative piece of metal?
Pendants flanked one aisle. Each had words etched onto their metal. I scanned the scene, again in search of an answer. This one spoke directly to me, challenging me, encouraging me, pushing me through the unknowns. Dig in deeper.
It’s two pendants in one. The silver pendant says “DIG IN” and the gold pendant says “DEEPER”. It’s as if someone said a sentence and then realized there’s more and that that more needed its own space and energy.
Dig in. Deeper.
What I heard was, “Don’t quit.”
I didn’t want to quit. Didn’t want anything to end except this heaviness. But I was terrified that I’d find a way to end everything. I didn’t trust myself to keep trying. If I could pause time for a bit, I’d become okay. But even if a clock stops, we’re there with a new battery lickety-split, afraid of being off, being late.
With the double pendant in hand, I wondered what I’d hang it on. There were so many options. I needed quick visibility and didn’t want anything around my neck. I landed on the chocolate brown bracelet, a soft leather with a bronze clasp. The leather was just thin enough for me to loop it through the pendant’s bail. This union would work.