I woke up shortly after 5am and my brain began to process, making it impossible to get back to sleep. It’s been a while since this has happened–reflecting on the day before, questioning my choices, frustrated by my silence, over analyzing my analysis. 

Perhaps what I’ve left unsaid is for the best. Perhaps not. Time will tell. Until it speaks, I can either continue to kick myself or figure out a way to move on. 

This is life. And it’s annoying. But I’d rather be in this questioning space than blindly acting as if all’s well, as if all is a neatly wrapped gift sitting perfectly under a tree. After all, it’s Christmas time and it’s easy to wrap up the year of crazy really quickly because we’re tired of crazy. So many have said they’re glad to see the year go–2016 has been uniquely rough. Give me peace. Give me stuff that makes sense. They’ve done due diligence, critiquing each surprising misstep, and they’re tired. We’re tired. 

I get it. But I don’t want to wave goodbye to the year without critiquing myself. 

• Have I loved deeper? Of course! I have a toddler. Need I say more?
• Have I led with a steadier hand? Of course! Again, I have a toddler. 

Okay. To be fair, I’m not sure how to appropriately assess my own contributions to life and health. There’s probably a tool on the Internet that some guru as compiled. It would help if I’d begun the year with a list of goals. (If I did, I’m not sure where that list is.)

Nevertheless, I do believe that…(in no particular order)

• I’ve grown in my ability to speak to what I need. 
• I’m more willing to appropriately confront. 
• I have a clearer sense of how I function best and what that means for how I interact with others. 
• I’m better able to put others first without feeling forced, negatively obligated. 
• I’m not as prone to personalize others’ unrealistic expectations…or assume they exist.
• I’ve learned more about how to equip while giving leadership away. 
• I value my voice more without a sense or arrogance. 
• I’m more accepting of my limits which enables me to focus more precisely on what matters. 
• I have a healtheir appreciation for time–being on time, maximizing time, allowing for intentional down time. 

And there’s more, I’m sure. Much more. All’s not perfect. All’s not well. All isn’t calm. All is not bright. But I’m grateful for the time to think it through.