It’s almost 5am and I’ve been awake for a couple of hours in what has felt like sacred time. I didn’t want to wake so early and certainly had no intention of staying awake. But after my 7-month-old began to cry and wasn’t settling down too quickly and after a trip to the bathroom, I picked up my cell phone.
I know. Bad move. Initially, I figured I’d entertain myself while baby continued to cry it out. Her cries were nothing major, nothing that made me feel the need to intervene. But not knowing how long she’d fuss, I didn’t care to just lay in bed. So yes, I picked up my phone and I immediately checked, well, I’m not sure what I immediately checked–a lot has happened since 3am.
From Facebook to Instagram to reviewing a prior google search about pastoral transitions to Twitter to email to Pinterest to Facebook to rebuking Facebook (what a vortex!) to Pinterest to newfound blogs…this has felt like sacred time. No one needs me. I’ve been able to read inspiring pieces. Beauty, one of my core values, has been fed. And I want to write again.
It has been months and the quiet has helped me see bits of what I’ve been misssing. I’ve also seen bits of what I can’t have, what’s not for me right now. Like a girlfriends trip (is it a trend or is social media simply making us more aware of it?) or a spa day or a perfect plan. Mercy. The thought of a perfect plan is absolutely beautiful and peaceful, another core value. I’ve elevated the worth of a plan so much so that to step into new territory without one seems irresponsible. A plan feels mature and fits right into my pursuit of excellence, another core value.
But the more I try to map out a transition plan, the more pieces get plopped onto the invisible drafting table. Perfectionism raises its very complex head and I grow increasingly frustrated with my inability to create a smooth systematic approach. My core values, the ones more easily seen or critiqued, cry out. Give us some hope, woman!
Meanwhile, I’m struggling to trust that the growth I have experienced means anything. I wouldn’t be in this transition if I’d been a trainwreck in the work I’ve just ended. I’ve been doing something well and well enough that I’m being trusted with this new experience. But in an attempt to be humble, I discount my journey, denying the work of the Lord, rejecting the reality that He has been good through me and that just as He has been with me He will continue to be with me. Contrary to my unconscious-now-conscious beliefs, trust and growth and every other core value that keeps me moving forward doesn’t have to be put on hold just because I don’t have a blueprint.
Well, I’m falling asleep now. And a child will soon stir. It’s 5:30am. I’ll have to pick this back up another time.
Ah. There she goes.
This day will feel long but I’m starting grateful.