I opened up my little clock. It was a gift from two of my first students back in 2000. I removed the face in order to figure out what sort of battery I’d need to replace the one that’s been very dead for a very long time and was surprised to find a note I’d written on November 25, 2013. It says:
Today, I’m struggling with faith, leaving all that worries me in God’s hands.
I’m probably making a bigger deal out of everything than needs to be made.
God, I’m sure you’re trying to help me. I need to surrender and believe you’ve got this and that all will work out well in the end.
November 25, 2013 was a Monday. On my calendar were two meetings with residents, students living at Advent House. I was the chaplain there from September 2009 to September 2017. Based on the students’ names, I’m guessing it was their Fall resident review, an opportunity for first-time residents to meet with me and talk through the semester, any changes we needed to make in order to improve their experience and all that was currently going well. Based on the students’ names, I’m guessing our meetings had nothing to do with my struggling faith.
Since I’ve rarely been a faithful journal-er, I’d rather not take the time to leaf through old journals to figure out more details, not when my bedroom needs tidying. Not when I need to settle into bed early and get into a book I bought today at half price, a book I’m hoping is well written, not just full of nice content. I need beautiful phrasing, people!
Plus, today God did one of those perfect heaven-smile things. I had written a complaint to him this morning about how time was moving so quickly these days and how frustrating that was. Hours later, I looked at my watch (yes, I’ve gone old school and started wearing a watch my older sister gifted me when I graduated college) and thought, “It’s only 2:55?”
The day had drifted by with the love and ease of a summer day ocean breeze. (I hate that that rhymes but I don’t have editing energy.) Why unpack a struggling faith in a moment like this? I’d rather savor this day, drop another note into my forgotten time capsule, encourage my 46 year old self down the road.
Today has been a good day, confirmation that pausing long enough in the morning to talk with God, pen + paper, is a really good idea. Don’t stop writing your prayers.