yes, i really am ok

IMG_3188ask me again tomorrow. tuesday may roll in with tears and gnashing teeth but just for now, all is well.

that’s how it’s been for a while now. good one day, bad the next. feeling whole one moment and empty the next. energized and then gross as acid reflux strikes yet again. and i’m one of those people who doesn’t like to pop pills so except for the ones that keep me alive and my baby healthy, i’d somehow rather be sick. i know. i’m a mess.

yesterday was a particularly bad day. no, not a bad moment here and there but a bad day aside from the two hours after i woke up and the few minutes before going to sleep. i blogged about it but kept my words to myself because i knew i’d receive well-meaning encouragement that i wouldn’t be able to stand. (do you ever think about the fact that not everyone is ready to receive your good vibes? it’s a hard pill to swallow which is, once again, why i don’t…)

when i re-read my words this evening, the sting was no longer there. it’s not that my words were melodramatic–not at all. it’s what happened after i wrote them that helped ease the pain and helped today be today.

simply put, i talked about it all with Justin.

it sounds simplistic but any of you ladies in a good relationship with a man know what it’s like to talk something over with a man and not get the response you were hoping for because you want him to respond as one of your girlfriends would. instead, he’s matter-of-fact about your concerns, offers you a solution and makes you want to whack him. and then you remind yourself that he’s a man, not a woman and beginning your thoughts with “girrrrrrrrl” will only make it worse. yes, you know what that’s like. and so you ALSO know what it’s like when you share something with this man you love and he opens up about his own stuff in a way that lets you know you’re in this together, you’re on the same page, he’s with you not just beside you.

that, the latter, happened last night before sleep.

so when i drove up the driveway tonight after a very full and good day at work, the sight of our home gave me incredible peace coupled with excitement. i grabbed my phone before coming to a complete stop and snapped a picture. it’s as if i was compelled to do so. it felt so good to be home. i knew that inside those walls sat a man hard at work who’s doing his best to love God, love me, and love our soon-to-be-born daughter. and he loves really well.

the sad thing is that someone’s possibly reading this thinking, “it’s only been 4 years and your daughter isn’t yet born. just wait.” and to that person i say, “i’m sorry. i wish i could wish away your pain, your story, give you a brand new one filled with healing. i wish you could be happy for me.” but perhaps i’m asking too much–i’ll take that. and i’ve heard from so many that children change your marriage–i believe that. i clearly don’t fully know what we’ve gotten ourselves into but i’m hopeful. and i have a new resolve to remain hopeful.

there was a time, some years ago, when i didn’t want children. i figured there were enough in the world. but i knew i should marry a man who was good with children for two reasons: 1. there are such things as unplanned pregnancies and 2. a man who’s good with children is a good man. i watched him with his younger cousins, his niece and nephew, and other children here and there and i knew he loved well.

i wouldn’t have made it to 9 months without him. i understand what it’s like to be overwhelmed by pregnancy, to realize that by myself i probably could have become incredibly desperate, taking matters into my own hands that i’d regret for eternity. but with him i’m a week away from full-fledged parenthood. and i’m at peace. and yes, i may freak out tomorrow but right now, i really am ok and i’m glad to be home.

 

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