upacking day 5: through a glass darkly

IMG_1161this is so weird/providential(?). i’m not sure which. i like to attribute things to God based on truth not out of convenience and right now i’m quite unsure of how to read into the fact that today’s picture represents my sight coupled with the reminder that two years ago a dear friend died. you may wonder what in the world the two things have in common.

loss.

unfortunately, (and fortunately) loss isn’t unique. i’m not special because i’ve lost. i join the community most of you are part of in some way or another. we go through the same stages, the denial, the anger, the uncontrollable crying, the random crying, the random peace, and more.

but when i think now of how two years ago Esperanza Alvarez Muniz was in a dreadful car crash that she just couldn’t conquer and that two years later i don’t feel anything…it makes me wonder if i truly loved her, if i was truly her friend, if i just liked that when i went into her office she dropped everything and gave me her full attention. was this a real friendship or the lop-sided kind where one gives and the other takes…unconditionally?

yes, i know that our emotional reaction to loss changes as time passes and the type and length of relationship impacts that reaction. if she were my sibling, emotions would probably still be quite raw. i get that. and i know i shouldn’t beat myself up for not feeling today the way i felt when i first read the news. so i’m not. i’m just writing down my real-time thoughts because someone needs to read this and know that they’re not crazy. (well, perhaps you’re crazy in other areas of life but not in this one.)

but isn’t today’s picture of a pair of glasses? oh michaela, why can’t glasses just be glasses? i know. i often read deeply into things and sometimes the depth is unnecessary. regardless, it’s how my mind works. i like making connections and they’re often a bit more loaded than i’d initially even thought they’d be. yes, i took this picture knowing that sight and its loss are important points for me to ponder but i had no idea that i’d be writing about them today and in this way.

anyway, because i’ve written a ton about loss in these posts (just click on the “loss” or “grief” tags to the left…and keep in mind that not everything’s been tagged), i don’t want to write a lot more on it today except to say that when it comes to loss and to grief, what i’m able to see or not see right now regarding where i am in the process isn’t something that should scare me or cause me to scramble for answers so as to quickly escape this somewhat uncomfortable space also known as the unknown. no, the dark glass that is present tense isn’t something that has control over me, in and of itself. it is present and it has consequences but it’s not the final answer. confusion isn’t final. fear isn’t final. i recognize reality for what it is but i’m on a future tip. and the future has a new component, one that clarifies, yields understanding…in time.

now i see through glass darkly but then face to face… one day i’ll properly understand emotional shifts and rollercoasters. i’m pretty sure it has something to do with how we were made…and that we weren’t made for partial sight…

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