i’ve said goodbye a lot in life–to people, to places, to things…even inanimate things like fear. but that kind of farewell so often needs repeating.
(i know i’ve already had this “conversation”…this repetition simply shows how much this is on my mind as of late)
there are 3 things i love: music, teaching, writing…not always in that order. i’m doing the firt two on a somewhat regular basis right now. school is taking the place of creative prose…that’s my excuse anyway.
well, in an effort to stick with what i love, i’ve recently said goodbye to one commitment which has freed me up a bit…but i still don’t write. i simply waste more time…sometimes.
yet more than ever i understand what i’m supposed to be doing with my life. “supposed to.” it sounds incredibly set in stone…i know. let me put it this way. more than ever i realize that God wants us to use what He’s talented us with for His glory. and i’m not doing that near as much as i could. and as much as i enjoy learning, school just isn’t cutting it for me.
many of the people i go to school with talk about having run from God’s call to ministry. they believe that they are finally answering that call by being here. today i got this overwhelming sense that i’m still running from my call coz my call has nothing to do with hebrew and church history and everything to do with notes…sung…over…and over…new songs written…old songs revamped…music…over…and over.
so i come home and instead of finishing pages of assigned reading, i cook. it’s called “avoidance.” most of the time i find a reason to clean or reorganize something. today it was supper creation. i came home without a clue. i just knew i had to enjoy what i put into my mouth. bread alone wouldn’t cut it. so i made biscuits with a twist–green onions and basil. and i fried up some vegetable dumplings. i made a garbanzo bean salad. and a mushroom sauce sort of thing. and after washing all the dishes i’d used, i sat and ate just enough…no stuffed belly for me. (and i realize that i’m switching between present and past tense somewhat haphazardly and i’m too lazy to fix it. hopefully none of my students see this.)
so back to saying goodbye to fear. if i want something so badly that i’m afraid i’ll mess up, i stay away. that needs to go. i need to live. i need to live with music. and i’m so tired right now coz i’ve been awake since 3:54. i should go to bed. i will go to bed.