one of the big things in my life i’m trying to change is my divided self. i’m used to being one way in this corner and another way in that corner as i living among different circles and work in varied settings. it’s just my way of being me. but it has become a nuisance. it wasn’t intended to be so. i wasn’t even conscious for many years and it developed after having moved from one culture to another very different culture to another very different culture. by age 11 i had multiple personalities…okay, slight exaggeration. i was basically adapting to change and consequently holding on to some of the past at each stage, gradually growing into someone who can exist among a lot of difference by assimilating just enough.
…and now i’m aware and i’m tired. so i’m trying to be just one person consistently. i don’t really know what that means yet across the board. but i do know that it necessistates careful critique and room for adjustments that i’m not always going to be comfortable with. it means that at the end of the day both group A and B may see a side of me they never knew existed, or at least not to the degree to which it now blooms.
i read something today that’s helpful:
Nothing is so important as to keep right spiritually. The great solution is the simple one – “Come unto Me.” The depth of our reality, intellectually, morally and spiritually, is tested by these words. In every degree in which we are not real, we will dispute rather than come.
Not real. I want to be real and right now “divided” doesn’t quite seem real and it (i think) is what’s keeping me from being.
there’s so much idealism wrapped up in that sentence, so much…and i’m too tired to unpack this subject any further.