can’t intellectualize this

i could go to Japan for 3 months and work in a daycare simply speaking English to children all day. i’d get paid nicely and not have to worry about paying for anything but half my plane ticket and food when i’m there: housing is fully taken care of.

i could stay here for 3 months, make no money except the money i’m owed for the instructor’s manual i co-wrote and my tax returns. it won’t at all be as much as what i’d make in Japan. but i don’t care about money. well, i haven’t cared about it until now when i realize what i could make and do with what i make.

if i stay here, i’ll be very involved in programming, in tutoring, learning design programs, writing...i have commitments but i’m replacable. i’m not afraid of missing out on what’s here. i just don’t want to shirk without a really good reason…but i don’t know what a really good reason looks like at the moment. i’m not afraid of “life passing me by” but i am afraid of me passing life. i don’t think i need to be here. no one needs to be anywhere.

if i go to Japan, i have no idea what life will entail but i know i’ll have a close encounter with a way of life i’ve never known. i’ll learn so many new things, things i may never have the opportunity to learn again. i’ll see many things i’ll never see otherwise.

what’s stopping me? my imagination is running out of control. i think of what i’ll be able to do with all the money i’ll make. i think of the things i’ll be able to buy in Japan. i think of the “new” woman i’ll possibly become (physically, emotionally, spiritually).

but

i don’t think of how amazing it will be to work with the children. i don’t think of the potential good i’ll impart. i don’t think of bettering the lives of others.

i just think of me…at least initially. and that disturbs me. that makes me think that this once in a lifetime shouldn’t happen in my lifetime. it makes me think i’m more selfish than i ever imagined.

i’d like to be one of those people who think of others before themselves all the time. but then again, i see those people get used and abused all the time; they often don’t know how to set up boundaries and communicate them. but i’d still like to be less about me and more about others. my introverted nature often makes that harder; i’d rather linger in my thoughts then make supper for my family.

so, to Japan or not to Japan? i have no idea. maybe just this once, i’ll do something based on how i feel not on how i think i should feel/think/be…

i’m trying to come to a decision before i find out more info. there’s a girl here who did it for 9 months…i should find out what she experienced. i should get more info from the man in charge. asking more questions could actually make my decision for me but i don’t want that. i want to know what’s in my head alone. i want to know my motivation and if it’s not good…well…

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